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David "Kettlehead" Kettering

A tactical officer in the Prime Galactic Navy, “Kettlehead” is skilled beyond his years at manipulating computer systems – although he’d rather be gaming.

First Appearance: The Prize Page 11

Archive

Captain, I wasn't expecting you here.' 'Neither was I.'

The Prize Page 11

Wealth is too precious to be entrusted to the rich.'

The Prize Page 12

If you could touch the alien sand and hear the cry of strange birds and watch them wheel in another sky, would that satisfy you?'

The Prize Page 14

No you fool, we're following orders. We were told to comb the desert so we're combing it.'

The Seat Of Your Pants Page 1

It was his job to do his job, which was to do his job.'

The Seat Of Your Pants Page 4

At least we've got it stopped.' 'Yeah, as long as the Arctic stays cold.'

The Seat Of Your Pants Page 5

Obeying an inalienable law, things grew, spreading riotous and strange in their instinct for growth.'

The Seat Of Your Pants Page 7

The door dilated.'

The Seat Of Your Pants Page 9

Right now, Captain, my time is running out. We leave so many things unfinished in our lives... I know you understand.'

New Year39s 2014 Part 1

You know, when I was a kid, food was food.'

The Seat Of Your Pants Page 14

First rule: never surrender your weapons. Second rule: blow the hell out of your enemies 'fore they can do it to you!'

The Seat Of Your Pants Page 16

Even dogs have dreams, but not you. You are just a machine.'

The Seat Of Your Pants Page 22

This love, what is it? How do you express it?'

Valentine39s Day 2015 Part 2

Out here in space, no one is completely independent. We all depend on one another.'

The Seat Of Your Pants Page 25

Every man's got his own honor and ethics, and so long as he sticks to 'em, who's anybody else to point the finger? You may not like his ethics, but you've no right to call him unethical.'

The Seat Of Your Pants Page 28

The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.

You, on the other hand, will be destroyed in every way it is possible to be destroyed, and even in some which are essentially impossible!'

Casinopeia Page 10

Though my sentries may sleep and my ships may rest at anchor, our foes know full well that big guns never tire.'

Casinopeia Page 11

There is an old Klingon proverb: "Revenge is a dish best served cold." And it is very cold in space.

Casinopeia Page 18

If you expect defeat, that is what you will get...

First was your firecracker, a harmless explosive. Then your hand grenade: you began to kill your own people, a few at a time. Then the bomb. Then a larger bomb: many people are killed at one time. Then your scientists stumbled upon the atom bomb, split the atom. Then the hydrogen bomb, where you actually explode the air itself. Now you can arrange the total destruction of the entire universe served by our sun: The only explosion left is the Solaranite.' 'Why, there's no such thing.'

The Big Race Page 15

And as your mother, you will listen to me, young lady. There will be no leading of these ships and armies on a mass-murdering crusade! Or else!'

The Big Race Page 16

I figure this ship is going like, what, twenty miles per hour? Figure an hour, and that puts us twenty miles out, right?' 'Jake's a total mathematical genius. One hour at twenty miles per hour. Right away he figures out that's twenty miles.'

The Big Race Page 19

Pathetic earthlings. Hurling your bodies out into the void, without the slightest inkling of who or what is out here. If you had known anything about the true nature of the universe, anything at all, you would've hidden from it in terror.'

The Big Race Page 20

Guy named Otto Octavius winds up with eight limbs. What are the odds?'

The Big Race Page 21

I would say that perserverance number one aplitude...appitude...attribute! I people person, work good with children. People like me, because I force them to, with violence!'

The Big Race Page 22

We repeat: there is nothing wrong with your television set. You are about to participate in a great adventure.'

The Big Race Page 24

A planet full of people meant nothing against the dictates of economic necessity.'

The Big Race Page 26

You will need to know the difference between Friday and a fried egg. It's quite a simple difference, but an important one. Friday comes at the end of the week, whereas a fried egg comes out of a chicken. Like most things, of course, it isn't quite that simple. The fried egg isn't properly a fried egg until it's been put in a frying pan and fried. This is something you wouldn't do to a Friday, of course, though you might do it on a Friday.

You still don't understand what you're dealing with, do you? The perfect organism. Its structural perfection is matched only by its hostility.

I don't suppose any man has ever understood any woman since the beginning of things. You don't understand our imaginations, how wild our imaginations can be.

Big Trouble Page 7

Whether we are based on carbon or silicon makes no fundamental difference. We should each be treated with appropriate respect.'

Let39s Bee Friends Again

You are the millionth human to look at a spark, a flea, a raindrop, the moon, and the first to see it. For anyone to say that this is less remarkable than what Newton has done, is to understand things in but a hollow and jejune way. 'Tis like going to a Shakespeare play and remembering only the sword-fights.

Past The Edge Page 2

I can't even begin to tell you how fascinating this is. "Anthropologist fascinating, or actual fascinating?"

Past The Edge Page 15

I've always thought that a leader should have a strong chin. He has no chin, and his vice president has several. This to me is not a good combination.

Now You39re A Man Pt 1

He's just not cute since he had puberty installed.

Now You39re A Man Pt 2

Ã¢â‚¬Å“I am so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis.Ã¢â‚¬Â

Now You39re A Man Pt 4

Do what you will.

Boy, do I hate being right all the time.

Party All The Time Part 2

Science tends to frighten those who are infrequently exposed to it, while the practitioners of science are often the most misunderstood people in the world.

Party All The Time Part 3

Everybody's a jerk. You, me, that jerk over there. That's my philosophy.

Party All The Time Part 3 2

Hey, are you kind of kid who reads the last page of a mystery first? Who pesters the magician to tell you his tricks? Who sneaks downstairs to peek at his Christmas presents? No, of course you're not.

Party All The Time Part 5

You're going all the way back to Planet Jackass, JACKASS!

Party All The Time Page 9

No one's a hero every day of the week.

Party All The Time Page 9 2

What is a man but the sum of his memories? We are the stories we live! The tales we tell ourselves!

Party All The Time Page 11

Shut your rude mouth! I'll have you know that most people think I look good for my age! Excuse me for not being an alien monster that never changes!

I'm Garrus Vakarian, and this is my favorite spot on the Citadel!

Well, if I did dream... I would like to dream about you.

Science fiction is no more written for scientists than ghost stories are written for ghosts.

Kiss girls all you want to â€” it beats the hell out of card games.

Have you? What? What is in this glass? You've seen what's coming, huh? Okay, what's coming? You tell me.

A Little While Back

Everyone, protect this slime!

Wisdom includes not getting angry unnecessarily. The Law ignores trifles and the wise man does, too.

It is possible that judgment was incorrect. Your associates are people of good character.

The greatest treasures of all, Mister Land, are a sound mind and a full belly. I hope you remember that before stooping to pick up pennies.

We are who we choose to be, Matt. "When you figure it out, let us know. We're waitin' on ya."

Leave Bonus Page

My Uncle Everett plays in a Beatles cover band, it hardly makes him John Lennon.

Wrenns Journal Page 5

I'm no more that face than I am the muscles beneath it, or the bones beneath them.

Fall Off The Bone Halloween 2021

These are the defendants, as representatives of the vilest species in all the universe, treacherous Humanity.

Unusual Suspects Page 4

I fail to see how anyone could find something so frivolous entertaining. "I'll bet your mother used to say the same thing when you used to run off and play cricket."

Unusual Suspects Page 5

We all visit the precipice. Each one of us must find our own way down.

Unusual Suspects Page 6

I been a pilot and a mate and a striker, even a mud clerk. Been everything there is to be in this business, but one thing I never been, and that's a sharper.

Unusual Suspects Page 7

Nothing was your own except the few cubic centimetres inside your skull.

Unusual Suspects Page 8

He calls science 'the study of the Forces.' Whatever that means.

Science Sweet Science

Are you kidding? It's war up there! "Oh, save the whales, but not the universe, huh?"

There are a lot of people who will give money or materials, but very few who will give time and affection.

Terran Thanks Feast 2024

Sure you did. So did I. But not after I knew. Nor did you.

The Custom Of The Sea

That, uh, blew out the Heisenberg Compensator.

Observable Reality